Director: Mystery Sonic Theater 3000, Episode 103: Shadows Acts Shady! Take one.
Date: June 12th, 2005.
Writing Staff: Gold, H Hog, CrazyMrLeo, Smindas.
In the far and distant future,
Long after we have died
The crew of the Starship Coldflame
had gone on a crazy ride.
Captain H Hog made a great attack,
But Robotnik was quick to counteract,
Though he fought so well and he fought so proud,
Robotnik won and forced him to dwell underneath the clouds.
"I'll send them crazy fanfics,
the worst mankind has known." (lalala)
"That will make them panic, and
then I'll claim his ship my own!!"
Starring: H Hog! (Here we go again!!!)
Now keep in mind H can't control
when the fanfics start or end. (lalala)
Jamming would make their position known,
Risking both his ship and friends!
CREW TEAM ROLL CALL!
LEO! (These are ARMS!)
NEO! (I'm not in this!)
GOLD SONIC! (BLASPHEMY!)
SMINNNNNNDAS! (Why not Neo?)
If you're wondering how hedgehogs can be blue,
& other Sonic-facts. (lalala)
Your fanboy-ness is scaring me,
You should sit down and relax!
for Mystery Sonic Theater 3000!
1-Wall of Fire
3-Steel Enforced Door
Smindas: Hi everybody!
All but Smindas: Hi Smindas.
H Hog: So you're finally out here, huh?
Smindas: Yeah. Neo's recuperating from the last one. He's still having dreams about fanged vaginas.
H Hog: Eugh. Poor guy. Well, welcome aboard.
Gold: Can I recuperate too?
H Hog: No.
H Hog: No.
H Hog: Neo called it before you did.
Gold: Neo's a jackass.
H Hog: That's just uncalled for. We'll be right back.
Gold: Can I at least sleep for a couple of minutes?
H Hog: No.
H Hog: Hi everybody, and welcome to the...didn't we name this place something while we were gone?
Gold: Spaceship Lollipop?
H Hog: No, not that. Oh well. I guess we'll get right to the bad fanfic and-
Gold: Wait! I have an idea!
Smindas: Oh no.
Gold: We'll bet Robotnik that we can make a cooler invention than him, and if we win, we don't have
to go through another one of these crappy fanfics!
H Hog: I'll send a transmission.
Robotnik: *reading Winnie the Pooh* Oh, Pooh, you've got yourself stuck in the rabbit hole! You're such
a fatty. You do nothing but eat honey all day, giving nothing back to the Hundred Acre Wood...you sicken me.
Bocoe: Incoming message!
Robotnik: What?! Who dares to message me during reading hour?
Bocoe: It's the Coldflame, sir! And they've got some kind of challenge?
Gold: Okay, Robotnik. Here's the deal! If we can make a better invention than you, we get the week off! If
you somehow manage to make a better invention with that scrap pile you have in the corner over there, you
can send us an extra-crappy fanfic.
H Hog: I really don't think this is wise, Gold-
Gold: C'mon, trust me! Look at him. Look at the moustache. Nobody with a moustache can invent anything.
Robotnik: Oh, you fools. Fine, I'll play along in this farcical game. You can go first.
Gold: Us? Well, okay.
H Hog: Hmm...oh, I've got an idea! Gold, go over there and get the materials.
Robotnik: Hahaha! You can't make anything out of that! I'd like to see you try.
H Hog: Okay, and put that there...done! I present the knork!
Gold: It's a knife!
Leo: It's a spoon!
Smindas: It's a fork!
All: And so much more!
H Hog: The knork can be used for many occasions, whether it be eating food or poking your brother. It's
the multipurpose eating instrument which puts all others to shame. Get out of the road other utensils, because the
knork is driving down at record speeds and it doesn't care who it runs over to get to the finish line! Top
Robotnik: That's just a spork rip off! Cheaters! I however, have created an atomic doom cannon! It is capable
of destroying large landmasses with ease! Observe!
(Robotnik aims the doom cannon at an unknown land mass, and fires. A large explosion can be seen on the Earth surface.)
Robotnik: The South Sandwich Islands are no more than a memory on the minds of very few people. I believe I win.
Enjoy your fanfic boys! This one's called "Shadow's Acting Kind of Shady", a novelization of that SA2 game I appeared
in back when I was desperate for money. It's a rambling collection of observations that will surely confuse and hurt
you. Oh Bocoe, shine this atomic doom cannon up for me.
Bocoe: Yes sir! *Shines*
Leo: Not the South Sandwich Islands!!!
Smindas: Gold, what have you wrought?
H Hog: We've got FANFIC SIGN!
[reverse door sequence]
(MSTers enter, and sit down)
Smindas: Way to blow up the islands, Gold.
Gold: I didn't do it!
Leo: Oooh, You're in trouble now.
Shadow's Acting Kind of Shady...
H Hog: I liked the knork...
Leo: It's starting.
(Just Who Does This Guy Think He Is, Anyway?)
Gold: Kent Allard?
Disclaimer: I do not own, or have license to, Sonic the Hedgehog and all related characters.
Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, et. al. belong to SEGA. (C) 2003 SEGA of America. All rights reserved.
Leo: And thank god for that.
Shadow the Hedgehog.
What a creepy name for a creepy guy, don't you think? I mean, Shadow is Sonic's twin and all,
and... Oops! Guess I spilled the beans yet again!...or did I?
H Hog: NO DENYING THOSE SPILT BEANS, MISSY. Now clean that up.
I know. You're probably thinking,
Gold: Why am I stuck in a spaceship reading bad fanfics?
Doesn't she have anything more important to do with her spare time?
Gold: No, I suppose not.
No, I suppose not!
Anyway, let's get this story started, shall we?
H Hog: No, we'd much prefer to sit here and listen to you ramble.
Gold: (TailsLover) You're only delaying the inevitable...
A young Hedgehog was born to the world on a fine Winter's morning, exactly one year after quite
a different Hedgehog was born during the Spring.
Gold: A few months later in the wintertime, Roy Cohn was born.
Leo: Exactly one year later, but in a different season? Talk about your global warming.
Sonic was the Spring Hedgehog, full of wonder and curiosity, but this Winter Hedgehog was the exact opposite.
H Hog: He had a terrible fashion sense, for one thing. I mean, RED shoes? You're a winter, not an autumn!
He had no name, for his loving parents were murdered in the middle of the night
when he was only two years old, and he was held captive by
Gold: Thousands of rabid fans who wanted a clump of his fur.
Warlord Gerald, the grandfather of Warlord Julian on the other end of the globe.
During the time of the Winter Hedgehog's upbringing by the Professor/Warlord's daughter, Maria,
the name Shadow was heard about twenty times a day by the lonely child, and he cried out the
name in anger whenever he was punished. Maria was like an angel to Shadow, for she would not
allow Gerald to treat Shadow so harshly. Maria was the child's only companion, and his only sustenance.
Gold: (Shadow) I'm down to her ankles.
Now, Maria was a Human, and Humans and Hedgehogs had bad experiences together on the average.
Gold: Ever since the Furry wars of 2009...
Leo: I went out with a hedgehog once. She was afraid of commitment.
Smindas: Bed is hard... all those spikes, everywhere. Kind of painful.
But the relationship Maria and Shadow soon developed was of love, and it was love that Shadow really wanted.
Shadow wanted to be kissed and coddled, but Gerald would have none of that,
H Hog (Shadow): FATHER! ALL I CRAVE IS YOUR KISSES AND CODDLES!
and so Shadow would wait for Maria to come home and cuddle with him for hours on end.
In this way, Shadow grew lanky and had a nasty temper, and would bite even the hand that fed him.
H Hog (Shadow): I WANTED CODDLES, NOT CUDDLES! *whine*
Gold: So being loved and "coddled" harbors feelings of anger and causes you to become like a bean pole?
When Shadow was four years old, Gerald decided to go into outer space and build a colony there.
Gold: (Gerald) I call it Plymouth Rocket.
The colony, he claimed, would be of use to mankind, for it was in space where he could work on his Project Shadow in peace and secrecy.
Smindas: And no one would have to deal with his attitude at parties or lame jokes again.
Maria would have none of it:
"Professor," she would yell after putting Shadow to bed, "why do this? Our little Hedgehog would
only suffer by it...isn't there another way?!"
"No, Maria," the aging Professor would argue. "Shadow is to be created not in the confines of
this world alone...it is a very special project that will enable men to do more things than ever
Gold: (Gerald) Like stuffing thirty Chicken McNuggets in their mouths at once!
Haven't you always wanted to fly without wings? Or run beyond the speed of
sound? Or, better yet, leap above things like nimble deer?"
Gold: I've always wanted to hang on a tree by my tail like silly monkey.
"Project Shadow is evil, father!" Maria wept. "No one is to become superhuman unless God gave them that gift!"
Leo: That means Superman, Spiderman, and Green Lantern! No more, no less!
"Science will carry us to a brighter future, Maria!" the Professor snarled in a strange glee. "Just wait!"
Gold: *gasps* Oh no! Not science!
So, unable to be stopped, Professor Gerald, Maria and Shadow the Hedgehog went into outer space
via rocket. Shadow lived out much of his life in a Bernoulli Space Colony called ARK, his only
home. Maria would whisper strange tidings to Shadow,
Gold: (Maria) I wish you a happy Christmas and a merry New Year.
who would listen and not fully understand, being the child that he was.
Shadow was a quiet child, eating little and poring over the
Leo: I smell a Ragnarok crossover.
blueprints for Project Shadow. He would run around,
shrieking like a banshee and pulling on the
Professor's mustache in wicked glee.
Gold: So he wasn't a quiet child.
"Ugly!" Shadow would taunt the short tempered old man.
Gold: (Shadow) The color scheme clashes and it's ugly!
"Evil! Ugly!" He would stick his tongue
out at him, then, tittering, dash off to annoy the robots who kept house. When one of the robots quit,
Gold: Robots can quit?
and when Gerald had nearly all of his moustache ripped off, Gerald decided to isolate the
child and make him do tasks. Maria strongly objected, but Gerald, come hell or high water, was
more willing to punish than to praise.
Gold: He didn't count his chickens before they hatched, so watch out, because a bird in the hand is worth two in a bush.
And so, Shadow was forced into the iron grip of Gerald, being slowly weaned away from his darling Maria.
H Hog: (Shadow) Ween.
Shadow would test new robots, clean the floors, and ate very little save for the treats Maria gave him.
Gold: Ah, the life of a janitor.
He was at first a little reluctant, and a ball of fire to boot,
Gold: Goodness graci-
H Hog: No.
but he was beaten so often that he dared not test the old man's patience beyond its limit.
Shadow even ignored Maria much of the time, but, as he grew older and the scars grew more numerous, Shadow began to see just how beautiful Maria really was.
Shadow was black as night when he reached the age of ten years old, and his heart just as mysterious.
Leo: These metaphors are as mixed as a salad, and the plot just as stupid.
No longer did he shriek at the top of his lungs, nor taunt Gerald, but instead became little more than an obedient slave on board a lonely vessel. Maria spoke to him whenever she got the chance. Shadow, being older beyond his years,
Gold: (Shadow) I'm 16, going on 23.
developed a heated crush on the woman, who was just shy of 19.
Smindas (Maria): I'm pretty outgoing when it comes to 18's and 20's, though.
"When I get older, Maria, we can fall in love, just like in those wonderful stories you told me
so long ago," Shadow would say, a strange hope in his scarlet eyes.
Gold: I don't like where this is going.
"How silly!" Maria would lean down and whisper in Shadow's ear. "You and I are siblings, Shadow,
and nothing more!"
Gold: I REALLY don't like where this is going.
"But I love you!" Shadow would cry, and blushed as he kissed her cheek.
Maria laughed to herself as Shadow dashed away to finish his chores. "Silly boy...silly boy..."
H Hog: (Maria) Chicks are for kids.
Many years passed, and Maria and Shadow grew further and further apart due to the wedge caused
by Professor Gerald. Shadow grew more and more resentful, and Maria more quiet and withdrawn. When
Gerald had finished his creation, which was hidden within the confines of his secret laboratory,
he announced to Shadow and Maria that he would give his ultimate gift to mankind. Maria sighed a
protest, weary yet full of the truth:
Gold: (Maria) War. Huh. What is it good for.
"Please, Professor. Peace is the ultimate gift to mankind, and it has only one form that dares
show itself, and that form is not cruel to the eye. With the wings of speed it shall descend,
and it shall be alive and well, even in the shadows of your cruel heart."
Leo: (Professor Gerald) You're starting to weird me out.
Professor Gerald paid no heed to her warning, and flew to Earth with his creature in tow. Maria
wept. Shadow touched her shoulder, and frowned at the rocket which carried Gerald.
Gold: (Shadow) Did I leave the oven on?
"Shadow," Maria sobbed. Then, she wiped her tears away. She stood up, and began to walk briskly
down a corridor. Then, she began to run. Shadow chased after. Maria shoved Shadow into a tube,
locked it, and, weeping, collapsed on the floor next to the initiating mechanism.
"What are you doing, Maria?" Shadow cried, the steam from his breath fogging the glass container
wall. He put his hands on the glass. "Why did you put me in here, Maria?! Answer me!"
"Shadow," Maria breathed. "Please...do this for me..."
"Shadow...go. Go to Earth, and fulfill my promise to you."
Leo: (Shadow) Whoa whoa whoa, hold on there, lady. I have to go thousands of miles fulfill your promise? Nuts to that.
"Huh?" Shadow asked, confused.
"My promise..." Maria pushed a self-destruct button on a device she hid in her pocket,
H Hog: I've heard about personal self-defense mechanisms, but that's just ridiculous.
then, turned to face Shadow as she spoke to him in her final moments. "My promise to you is this: you are the ultimate gift I have to give,
Gold: Oh typical, someone else takes credit for an insane genius's work.
and you must bring peace to those people...who live...on that planet...peace."
"Maria?" Shadow whispered.
Gold: (Shadow) Are you SURE I didn't leave the oven on?
"Make them happy," Maria smiled. Then, with a formal bow, she breathed, "Sayonara, Shadow the
Hedgehog." The tube fell. Maria closed her eyes as she felt the very floor of the colony explode...
More years elapsed since that time.
Smindas: But those aren't important.
Shadow awoke from his coma, dazed and in a dream-like state. He thought he saw Maria in the shadows of a room full of wires and broken glass. He reached out his hand to hers, only visible in his eyes.
She was in a sparkling white gown, as white as the fresh snow in Winter,
Gold: Oh, because he was born in Winter! I get it!
and a fair blush was upon her porcelain cheek. She smiled at Shadow, and he blushed, and grasped
her hand tighter. "Never leave me, my Maria," Shadow mumbled. The specter smiled again, and lifted
Shadow's chin, bending low to kiss him...
"Let's see...the password is...MARIA," a gravelly yet familiar voice rang eerily in the dark room. Shadow jumped, now wide awake, his face still aglow, his heart leaping with him. Shadow froze, looking around fervently. Suddenly, the floor beneath him gave way, and splinters of glass fell like snowflakes as the machine set to work. Shadow caught a glimpse of the intruder: none other than the evil Dr. Ivo Robotnik, who had freed Shadow from his prison of wires and dust and jarred him awake.
Leo: With a jar.
"So!" Shadow cried, at once fascinated by the balding mad scientist who bore a faint resemblance to his grandfather.
"Is that you, Sonic??" the man cried, hurt by the presence of this new Hedgehog.
"Sonic?" Shadow huffed, disgusted. "I know no other Hedgehog save myself!"
Leo (Shadow): "...which is how I knew that you were referring to another hedgehog when you said 'Sonic'. Obviously."
"And you are?..."
"I am Shadow," Shadow replied, cutting the doctor off. "I am the ultimate life form created by a man named Gerald. Are you he?
Gold: (Robotnik) He am not I.
Or are you in alliance with this other creature, whom you confused with myself?"
"I am Gerald's grandson!" the doctor replied, delighted. "I am against this Hedgehog whom I incorrectly confused yourself with earlier...please, forgive my rudeness!
Gold: Blame it on the foodness.
This other Hedgehog, who bears an uncanny resemblance to you, is named Sonic. He is insane, and wants to harness the world's power through seven unique gems called Chaos Emeralds."
"Chaos Emeralds!" Shadow cried. He leapt down from the precipice of metal and wires to meet the man face to face. "Now, here is a wise scientist, indeed! And, my kind Master, tell me- of what use have you, with these Chaos Emeralds?"
"Why, only to profit, Shadow!" Robotnik guffawed. A faint rumble shook the room, and voices filtered past them.
H Hog: Adobe's latest feature: SoundrecorderShop Voice Filter.
"Dammit!" the madman snapped.
Smindas: (Child) *gasps* Did he say...
"They'll have me surrounded-"
"Leave it to me!" Shadow smirked. He revved up his jet boosters, and scooted off to greet the
Gold: (Shadow) Hi Jimmy! Hi Tim! Hi Bob! Hi Frank! Hi Sally! Hi Eduardo! Hi Terrence!
A large robot sat in front of the exit, and the pilot prepared to fire at Shadow. The shots came
in rapid succession, but Shadow nimbly dodged them and smashed his feet into the dashboard. The
pilot, enraged, tried to fire a large heat missile at Shadow, but the Hedgehog leaped out of the
way as it backfired and blew up the machine in seconds.
H Hog (SONIC_FAN): I hate it when missel misses.
Leo: Noo! They killed the pilot! He was the best one!
Robotnik's eyes widened in glee, and he clapped loudly. Shadow returned to his place, his face ruddy, but still with the same mischievous grin upon it.
"Excellent, my boy! Excellent!" Robotnik sneered. "Perhaps you can join me."
Leo: We'll fuse together and become Robow!
"Bring me more Chaos Emeralds," Shadow breathed. He turned to leave.
"Shadow!" Robotnik shouted. "Wait!"
H Hog: (Robotnik) We're still going out on Saturday, right?
"Meet me at the Control Tower aboard the space colony entitled ARK," Shadow sighed.
Gold: (Shadow) And bring two of every animal.
"And don't forget those Emeralds..." With an incredulous wave of his hand, Shadow departed. Robotnik
slammed his hands upon the controls, and a puff of smoke belched from his machine.
"ARK?!" Robotnik muttered, puzzled. He watched Shadow leave, and decided, "I'd better get back
to the base to see just what's going on around here!"
Smindas: Even the author is stunned at what he's written.
Shadow wandered into the streets of a small suburban city as the sun began to set. He lurked
about in dark alleyways, his red eyes aglow. Suddenly, he noticed a little pink Hedgehog
skipping down the street, humming a lively tune.
Gold: *hums the Sugar Crisps theme*
She stopped, seeing his eyes from a distance, and walked up to Shadow, unafraid. Shadow, startled of her genial nature, blinked as he slowly emerged from the dark alley.
"Hello there!" she beamed. "My name is Amy Rose! How are you?"
"I'm fine," Shadow mumbled.
Leo: (Shadow) What did I DO last night?
"Are you going to the Bank?" the girl invited. "My friend, Sonic, has an account there...oh, how I love him so!" She sighed as she elapsed into a romantic reverie.
Shadow's smirk returned. "The Bank, you say?
Gold: (Shadow) I'll open a checking out, maybe get some checks with those blue flowers on them, and deposit enough money to RULE THE WORLD!
Can...can you take me there?"
"Why, of course!" Amy Rose curtseyed, and grasped his hand. "You know...you look an awful lot like him...Sonic, I mean.
Leo: You know, other than the black fur. And the red highlights. And the eyes.
I hate it when he goes off on his adventures and ditches me!! He can be real mean like that..."
"Adventures?" Shadow became distracted.
Gold: (Shadow) That man's car...it's purple!
He'd always wanted to go upon a wonderful adventure and save the day...
"Yeah!" Amy tittered, blushing. "They're so much fun! And dangerous, too! But Sonic always comes
out on top in the end! He's a real hero. He's been saving lives ever since I was born!"
"Amy?" Shadow breathed.
"Can I tell you a secret?" Shadow murmured.
Gold: (Shadow) Do you promise not to tell?
"Sure!" Amy agreed, becoming a little nervous due to his change in tone of voice.
Shadow's silky voice poured out his heart to her in her ear,
Gold: Foul! Foul!
and she blushed as well as gasped at the end. "Tell no one..."
"Wait!..." Amy cried as Shadow dashed past her into the Bank. Tears sprang to her eyes as she ran towards Sonic's house. "My blue hero, it's time to get back into action!" she thought as she ran. An hour later, the Bank had been robbed, and the police were on Shadow's tail in no time.
Shadow ran, his heart singing.
Gold: First one to make an Achy Breaky Heart joke DIES.
Amy was Maria in disguise, he knew.
H Hog: Oh, right, that makes perfect sense!
His only love had returned! And now, thanks to her, he was able to make his escape and put the blame on Sonic at the same time!
"Foolish imp!" he snarled.
H Hog: Now wait just a minute-
Leo: It's not an acronym.
"She had no idea how easy that was! And now, it's time to ditch these
pathetic humans and get back to that bloated buffoon!" He raced up the railing to the Golden Gate
Bridge, and watched as the police cars slammed against one another and as the policemen and
armed patrol prepared to continue the chase. He stood on top of the railing, gazing out at the lit
city scape with hazy eyes.
He remembered Maria's last moments...and blinked.
Leo: (Shadow) That was boring.
"I promise you...revenge!" he cried as he slid down the opposite end of the railing and began to run across the blocked off Bridge.
Smindas: (Shadow) Wheee!
He saw Maria floating beside him, her arms stretched toward him, beckoning...Shadow screeched to a halt.
Leo: Right into a stop light.
Dawn filtered through the sky, and the police had given up. He was on a ledge overlooking the broad expanse
of ocean, in front of a base of sorts.
Leo: Not a real base, just a base of sorts.
He also spotted Robotnik, who hovered over to the Hedgehog.
"I witnessed your robbery last night," Robotnik chuckled. "That was a stroke of genius! Tell me, how
did you manage to pull that one off?"
Smindas: (Shadow) Well, let's just say I was angry. And I killed them. With death.
Shadow grinned. "What about those Emeralds?"
"Never mind that!"
Gold: Robotnik's so sneaky. Teehee.
"Fine," Shadow grunted as he leapt into the back of the vehicle. "But I must tell you, Sonic is an acclaimed hero, or so those townspeople think. My robbery as of late made him suspect me.
Leo: For those of you just tuning in...
He tried to get some answers, but I evaded his lightning speed just in time so he could get arrested by the police! Fools!"
H Hog: (Shadow) Lawl, I pwned those noobs with my leet skillz!
Robotnik laughed. "You must be of my kindred, Shadow! Your ideas are identical to that of my grandfather in every way!"
"Flattery of the vipers you may possess, Kintobor of Old," Shadow remarked softly, "but love you have not."
Leo: A brief moment of Dyslexia?
Smindas: IT'S YODA!
H Hog: Wait a sec... Where did that whole "Kintobor" thing come from all of a sudden?
"What are you blabbering on about?" Robotnik snapped.
"Where are we headed?"
"A little place called Prison Island," Robotnik mumbled. "I have some business matters I have to take care of..."
Leo: "It's in the middle of the Water Ocean, just south of the Landmass Continent"
Robotnik landed. Shadow leaped off, and then, he spotted that pink Hedgehog yet again. "So, my love, you follow me yet again! I long so for your touch once more..." he thought to himself.
Gold: But what he SAID was, "You've got real purty hair".
Unable to recognize him, Amy rushed up to greet Sonic, wrapping her arms lovingly about Shadow's neck.
"Oh, Sonic!" she whispered, blushing. "I'm so glad I...EEEEEE!" she shrieked when she recognized Shadow instead. Shadow smiled, his eyes glinting in a quiet joy.
H Hog: Pervert.
Robotnik rushed forward, and Shadow fell back.
"Well, well! If it isn't Amy, Sonic's little girlfriend!" Robotnik sneered.
Gold: (Tailslover2001) See how I slipped that in so you didn't even notice?
"Where is he?"
"I-I don't know..." Amy began. She was on the edge, and was about to slip, when Shadow intervened and
caught her, then set her down in a corner of the place.
Leo: A corner of...the place. Wow.
Smindas: He is really stretching with these descriptions.
Then, Tails came in, on his machine called the Tornado 2. Shadow looked deeply into Amy's eyes before he took off, his heart pounding. Tails frowned at Robotnik.
"So you're the one who's behind all this!" Tails bravely shouted.
H Hog: Gee, you think the guy who's been trying to kill you for the past 10 years is behind this?
"Try and stop me, fox boy!" Robotnik taunted as Tails began to shoot at him as he fled. Shadow snorted in
disgust, and watched as Amy began to escape into the prison to free Sonic.
H Hog: She escaped INTO the prison?
Robotnik won the fight, and hallooed, "Victory is mine!"
"Not for long!" Shadow smirked. "That girl of yours just freed your worst nemesis."
Smindas: Wow, it's almost irony, sorta.
"No!" Robotnik wailed. He watched as a blue blur flew past the confines of the base and onto the ramp for the
rocket. "We've got to stop him...and we only have fifteen minutes before the rocket launches! We need to blow
up the island, so that the others will lose our tracks."
H Hog: Wow. This takes the phrase "Leave nothing but your footsteps" to a whole new level.
"And just how are we going to do that?" Shadow demanded to know.
"I might be of some assistance there," a silky voice appeared, along with its owner: a bat, wearing a tight outfit
and pink and white boots. She smiled as she landed beside the startled doctor and smirking Shadow.
"Who are you?" Robotnik huffed. "Women are of no importance to us on this mission!"
Leo: Dr. Robotnik, the progressive thinker.
"Ah, but that's where you're wrong, doctor," the bat replied. "Allow me to introduce myself: I am Rouge, an expert
treasure hunter. With my skills,
Gold: (Rouge) My MAD skills.
collecting the Chaos Emeralds while you two go in and blow up the island will be a snap! What do you say?"
Shadow nodded. Robotnik grumbled, then gave his consent to her plans. "Are you certain that three of the seven
Chaos Emeralds are here? How can we trust that your radar is accurate?"
"I'm a bat, and an expert treasure hunter! It'll be a piece of cake!"
"Fine!" Robotnik cried.
Gold: (Robotnik) I want it to be butterscotch. And bring me a pie.
"Here's the plan, then: I'll go in and distract the guards while you, Shadow, will enter
the armory and place the bomb in the closest safe you can find. Then, it's Rouge's turn. You will have exactly
five minutes left to find all three Emeralds. Is that enough of a challenge for you, bat girl?"
Leo: Better call in Robin to make sure.
Leo: Why thanks. I thought it was pretty good myself.
"Let's get going!" Robotnik hollered as he stumped off to the base. Shadow raced toward the jungle,
and Rouge soared for the chamber.
Shadow felt the heat of the forest as he ran past dozens of ferns and bushes. He screeched to a halt,
however, when the mossy floor ended into a deep chasm.
He looked around, and spotted a vine to swing upon. He snatched up the vine, and swung across...he landed in a heap at the other side. Bruised and sore, Shadow kept on. He smashed into several guard robots by somersaulting,
H Hog: Kaboom! Kaping! Kapowie!
and tripped them up. He stopped in a tree's branch, and saw Sonic walking up to him.
"You again!" they cried in unison.
Smindas and H Hog: (Sonic and Shadow) Hahaha! Huh? Stop copying me! Hmm...Fangasmic! Oh, you're good.
"Come down and fight, faker!" Sonic snarled, clenching his fists.
"Faker?" Shadow retorted. "I think you're the fake Hedgehog around here. You're comparing yourself to
me? Hah! You're not even good enough to be my fake!"
H Hog: (Sonic) Well, I can't argue with that. Bye.
Leo: End of fic.
"I'll make you eat those words!" Sonic shouted as he raced toward Shadow, his fists ready to strike.
Smindas: He's going to feed him Alphabet soup?
Shadow leaped up, laughing, and slammed his elbow onto Sonic's head.
H Hog: DOOF!
Sonic fell, dazed, and Shadow raced on to his destination.
Moments after he'd put the bomb into a safe, he got a radio message from Rouge: "I can't believe I'm stuck
in here with the bomb and a Chaos Emerald! Well, I guess this is the end..."
Leo: I can't believe I'm stuck in here with this "bomb", and I can only HOPE this is the end...
Suddenly, a vision of Maria, collapsed in a heap with the destruct button in her hand, came to Shadow's mind.
He envisioned Rouge in her place...
Gold: (Maria) You were thinking of me, right?
H Hog: (Shadow) That's right, baby. Now go to sleep.
"No!" Shadow thought angrily. "Not again! I will not lose you a second time!" He reached out to the skies, and, Chaos Emerald in hand, cried, "Chaos Control!"
Shadow saved Rouge's life within seconds of the bomb exploding.
Smindas: Oh, how convenient.
Robotnik was in his base when Shadow returned to the present moment with Rouge in his arms.
Leo: Hey, it's like the ending of "The Bodyguard", except it sucks!
Rouge batted her lashes at Shadow, blushing, before she leapt out of his arms. Robotnik cleared his throat.
H Hog: *horrible hacking sounds*
"Here are three Emeralds, doctor," Rouge smiled. Robotnik snatched them from her much like a greedy child
does, and put them into the Eclipse Cannon, a secret weapon built by his grandfather, Gerald.
Leo: (Tailslover2001) I've got more exposition if you want to hear it.
The Cannon gained a little more energy, but didn't fire when commanded to. Frustrated, Robotnik paced the floor and
wrung his hands.
"Why won't it fire?" Robotnik whined. His mustache bristled.
Gold: Try hitting it, that might work.
"It doesn't have enough energy yet to do so," Shadow quietly explained, his voice resembling the purr of a big cat.
H Hog: (Big) FROGGYYYYYYYYY!
"We must have all seven Chaos Emeralds for it to work."
Suddenly, the cameras picked up on Sonic and his friends at the entrance of the base. Terrified, Robotnik
signaled his machine and bounded into it. Shadow and Rouge stared doubtfully at the screen as Robotnik left.
"What do you think that's all about?" Rouge wondered.
"Perhaps it will be their end, as well as the end of our troubles," Shadow surmised.
Smindas: Wow, clev-ER.
"Do you really think Robotnik told us the truth about this Hedgehog and his friends?"
"Certainly," Shadow replied. "How could he possibly have erred when so much is at stake?"
"What do you mean?" Rouge mumbled, confused.
"I mean..." Shadow broke off. He mumbled something inaudible, then snapped, "It's none of your business,
and besides, who asked you?"
In a huff, Shadow stormed off, cursing to himself. Rouge stared after him, then cautiously spoke into
a tape recording device.
Leo: (Rouge) Expletive deleted you, Shadow. Expletive deleted.
In the meantime, Robotnik had found Sonic and his friends at the entrance, and prevented them from
"Looking better than ever, Robo-butt!" Tails sniggered.
Gold: (Robotnik) *sniff* That was uncalled for.
"I'm afraid that your little escapade has come to an end!" Robotnik quipped. He punched a button on a
remote control. Suddenly, the ground began to shake. Sonic turned, and gasped.
A huge Sphinx
rose from the sand, and its head spun about to face its opponent. Sonic leaped up several
pulleys, and taunted the giant robot. He dodged the Sphinx's
fists, and hit a destruction device on top of the Sphinx's
head. It went down, and Sonic cried, "Nice try, rocky!"'
Leo: Hey Gold, watch me pull a well-written fanfic out of my hat.
Leo: Nothing up my sleeve... PRESTO!
Robotnik went ashen as his creation fell. He turned about and stormed off. Sonic rushed to the launching platform. Robotnik watched them take off, and stepped into the portal leading directly to his space colony, ARK.
H Hog: Wait. If there was a portal to the ARK already there, why would he need a rocket that Sonic and the others could hijack in the FIRST PLACE?
He laughed, and watched the world fall away beneath him. It was so pathetic, that puny planet, he thought.
Leo: Hmm. Must have got the wrong hat.
Gold: And now, here's something you'll REALLY like.
"It's up to you, Rouge!" he hissed into the intercom. "Fetch that Master Emerald before it's too late, understand?"
Gold: ...or not.
"I read you loud and clear," Rouge mouthed. She landed on an asteroid. Looking about, she removed her helmet and began her search.
Leo: She then asphyxiated, because she took her helmet off IN SPACE.
Smindas: More like 'sploded. Funny how both Sega AND TailsLover manage to ENTIRELY disregard the whole "Zero Pressure" bit that comes with the whole Space territory.
Knuckles, unbeknownst to her, was there, also, having wrecked the rocket and hungering for his Emerald.
H Hog: New Emerald brand frankfurters really pack in the meat.
He didn't care if Sonic, Tails and that twit Amy were out on their own- Sonic had lost his Emerald, and that was the last straw.
Leo: My thoughts exactly.
Shadow stared out the window, overlooking Earth. He sighed heavily.
Smindas: Yep. He's moody.
Robotnik came crashing into the room, and he threw a bound and gagged Amy across it. She squealed before she hit the floor. Rage flooded Shadow's thoughts. He clenched his fists and revved up his boosters.
"What the hell are you doing, Doctor?" Shadow snarled, fury causing him to quake.
Smindas: (Child) Mommy, Shadow said a naughty word!
"The girl has no part in this! Why bring her pain?"
"This little girl," Robotnik boomed, "is my link between Sonic and his demise! She knows much about
him...and she is his sole weakness!
When he finds out that I have her, he will come, naturally, to her rescue and fall into my trap!"
Leo: The sad thing is that it took him 10 years to figure this plan out.
"What of those Emeralds?"
"Sonic has the last one we need," Robotnik chortled. "We can do without him..." He reached down and
plucked up Amy's chin. She pulled away, tears in her eyes. He then handed Shadow a gun, fully loaded.
H Hog: So THAT'S where Sega got that idea.
Amy blinked, tears streaming down her face.
"Sonic!" she gave a muffled cry. "Sonic!"
Leo: (Shadow) What is "sawni?"
"Shoot her when he comes," Robotnik snarled. "It will give her less grief."
Smindas: Could you just shoot her now, please?
Robotnik shuffled out, his eerie voice drifting lazily across the intercom. Shadow waited, watching the madman lounge in his chair, preoccupied.
"Hush," Shadow soothed. Amy nodded as he removed her gag. He didn't dare unbind her, lest the evil
Doctor return too soon.
Gold: Plus, Shadow was into that sort of thing.
Leo: Oh, don't.
"Oh, oh!" she wept softly. "He was so awful! He claimed that Sonic is going to die, that I will be alone forever...he tried to appease me by saying that if Tails and I surrendered the Chaos, we would live, but...I... can't live without him...I love him..."
"Such a lovely face you have, when you cry..." Shadow touched her nose with his, heat rising in his face. "I will save him in the only way I know how."
Smindas: (Shadow) With interpretive dancing!
"Huh?" she asked, terrified.
"Let me kiss you, just this once, and I swear I will keep him alive."
H Hog: (Shadow) Just one kiss, then I'll be off for good this time! I can quit any time I want!
"But...Sonic...!" Amy cried. He silenced her with a soft kiss, and gagged her again just in time, for the Doctor returned.
"All is going according to plan," he announced. He lifted Amy to her feet, and undid her bondage.
H Hog: Eggman... Amy... Bondage? .....That.... that's just plain freaking wrong, right there. Those are NOT the three words I want to see together in one context.
Gold: He's just making it blatant now.
"You may say goodbye to him before he goes. Again, I will release you with the Emerald..."
"Never!" she squealed. "I will die if I have to! I love him!"
"Touching," Robotnik grumbled as he shoved her into the next room. Shadow graced his lips with two fingers,
and raised his hand in farewell to her as the door shut automatically behind them.
H Hog: Oh, break time.
[Back on the bridge...]
(H Hog is dressed in black)
H Hog: We are gathered here today to honor the memory of Mech Pilot, an outstanding citizen who was cut down in the line
of duty by a black hedgehog named Shadow. Mech pilot was the son of a grand-
(Smindas walks in)
Smindas: Uh, H?
H Hog: Yeah?
Smindas: We're not doing the funeral sketch now.
H Hog: Why?
Smindas: It wasn't funny enough.
H Hog: Well, what am I supposed to do now? We've got time to kill here!
Smindas: I don't know, uh...improvise! Do something!
H Hog: Well, I...hmm. What to talk about. Uhh...no, that's no good. Hmm...this fic was pretty bad so far. Maybe I can build
off of that. No, best to save that for later. What to do, what to do...aha!
(H Hog sees the knork lying on the table)
H Hog: It's the amazing adventures of Knorkman!
(He picks up the knork and begins to "fly" it around everywhere)
H Hog: Watch as he battles the evil forces of...Foodolios! He'll cut them down to size.
(H Hog picks up a cracker and begins to move the cracker around)
H Hog: (Cracker) Hahaha! No utensil is effective for a cracker! Give it up, Knorkman!
H Hog: (Knorkman) Gasp! A cracker! That's...finger food! Handman, come to my aid!
(H Hog's fist smashes the crackers into crumbs)
H Hog: (Knorkman) Thanks, handman!
H Hog: (Fist) 's alright.
H Hog: And so another day is saved, thanks to Handman! I mean Knorkman! Whichever.
(Smindas enters again)
Smindas: Well. That was certainly...interesting. I guess. Good job.
H Hog: Hey, thanks. We'll be right back. You want a saltine?
Smindas: Err, no.
(MSTers enter, and sit down)
Leo: Five stars this ain't.
Rouge and Knuckles ran right into one another as they argued over the last piece of the Emerald.
"It's my right!" Knuckles huffed.
Leo: (Knuckles) It's YOUR left! Geeze!
"As guardian, the Master Emerald belongs to me!"
"But I'm an expert treasure hunter! This is the greatest piece of gemstone ever created! I must own it!"
"It is my responsibility!"
"It's my fate!" Rouge blurted. Knuckles smirked.
Smindas: This week on Crossfire...
"So! It is your fate, hm? Your life depends on it?" Rouge blushed hotly.
"That is none of your business! Hand it over!"
"You stole it from me! I own it! Why should I return it to you?"
"I need that Emerald..."
"And I own it!"
H Hog: Yes, folks, it's the thrilling "whose emerald is it" scene.
"Stop fooling around!" she hissed. She lunged for the Emerald. As she fell, Knuckles caught her, saving her life.
Smindas: OH NO THE DREADED PAVEMENT WILL KILL HER
Leo: It's amazing how out of context this can be taken.
Gold: Yeah, this part would seem awfully silly if you don't know that they're above a lava pit.
"There!" he cried, once she was safe. Rouge eyed him, then laughed:
"All you wanted to do was hold my hand!" He blushed, a faint smile creeping on his face. "You're such a creep!"
Gold: I want to make love to your ha-
Leo: Please don't start this again.
"Look, Rouge, I-"
"Well, then, lover boy!" she sighed. She tossed the pieces at him. "Just take them. They stink, like echidnas do."
Leo: (Knuckles) You have NO IDEA what my people have been through!
Knuckles resurrected the Emerald and smiled. He kissed her cheek and whispered, "I'm sorry if I hurt you..."
Rouge smiled back as she watched him leave, then returned to the ARK.
In the meantime, Robotnik waited, along with the horrified Amy and shocked Tails.
H Hog: I'm still shocked and horrified about the bondage bit.
Suddenly, the door opened with a chuff and misty spray. Sonic had made it, Chaos Emerald in hand.
Amy made a stifled yelp.
Leo: (Amy) Sonic, how COULD YOU?
Gold: (Sonic) I'm sorry, Amy... This emerald gives me things you never could...
Tails watched Sonic, tensed. He nodded. Sonic let a grin fly to his face, and stepped forth.
"You've become a big time villain, Doctor," he sighed. Then, a capsule shot up around him,
taking away his gasp of surprise. Robotnik laughed maniacally and cried:
Smindas: Talk about mood swings.
"You thought you were so clever, trying to trick me with that fake Emerald, didn't you?"
Leo: (Robotnik) You thought you could replace my emerald with Folgers Crystals?!
Gold (TailsLover2001): By the way, there's a fake emerald. I probably should have mentioned that earlier.
"Then...how could you tell it wasn't the real one?" Tails blurted. Sonic groaned.
"Because you just told me, fox boy!" Robotnik sneered.
All: Wah wah wah wahhhhhh.
He went on, "The capsule clears the colony, and BAM! You will fade as I have seen you do so often, yet this time you will not return. Any last words?"
H Hog: (Sonic) I regret nothinnnng!
Smindas: (Sonic) Damn you all to hellll!
Leo: (Sonic) This isn't funnnyyyyy!
Gold: (Sonic) Save me plot deviiiice!
"Tails," Sonic breathed, "Watch over Amy, will you?" His boyhood friend bowed his head. Amy rushed to the
capsule, and Sonic kissed the glass nearest her lips. She whimpered, flushed, as he murmured, "And
Amy...take care of yourself."
"I love you!!" Amy shrieked as the capsule shot downward.
Smindas: Subtlety is not Amy's forte.
She sank to the floor, her head in her hands.
Gold: She then proceeded to put her head back onto her spine.
Sonic grasped the Emerald. He squeezed his eyes shut as the world around him grew hotter...and he lifted his hand up, uttering a phrase that he dreaded to speak...
Leo: (Sonic) All your base are belong-
All but Leo: Gaaahh!
The world changed. Brilliant flashes of colored light swam around him, through him...he felt weakened, yet
strengthened by the same token...and he awoke on a landing on the other side of the ARK, his head
pulsating and swimming.
Knuckles had witnessed his entrance. He rushed over and woke his friend, troubled. Sonic sat up,
H Hog: (Sonic) Just a few minutes, mooom.
then stood. He blinked, dazed.
Leo: (Sonic) What did I DO last-
Gold: You already used that.
"I used...Chaos Control..."
"Chaos Control?" Knuckles asked, baffled. "Are you okay?"
H Hog (Sonic): Apart from using a FAKE Chaos Emerald to warp in here by having my very particles flung through space back into this ship? Just dandy.
"Yeah!" Sonic cried, himself again. "Listen, Knuckles, I need you to take care of Tails and Amy for me...wait...I got it! Before the Cannon fires, I'll slam dunk it in there!!"
Gold: Wow, Sonic's got game.
"Wha-?" Knuckles began. But Sonic had already rushed off to the grinding poles and outside the colony.
Leo: This fic is turning out to be dirtier than I had thought.
He shrugged and mumbled, "Time to take care of the twits."
Shadow, hidden in the corridor's dim light, watched Knuckles's progress. He ran off, his boosters lighting his path. "Sonic is my enemy," he muttered. "I must avenge Maria...I must kill him and win her back...I have no time for games! I must go!"
Smindas: This is getting annoying. We know he's moody, we get it!
Gold: ...OH! He IS moody!
He swooped onto a grinding pole, forgetting about the dizzying whirl of stars and space beneath his feet. He leaped and spun about, smashing robots and light dashing across paths of rings- all without gravity,
H Hog: Shadow jumped up that day...and never came down.
all high above the blue, serene Earth.
"He may have a head start, but no one can stop the Ultimate Life!"
Leo: Nobody can stop the NINJA.
Amy was certain that Sonic had perished in his fall to Earth. She pictured him catching her in his arms, bringing
her to safety. She saw him running so effortlessly, so gracefully, even at breakneck speed, and envisioned
herself running beside, a sweet smile across her face.
Gold: She envisioned him in a sailor's suit walking down the boardwalk only to be eaten by a shark. She didn't know why.
She wept having to know that she would never get to wear her bridal gown she'd sewn a year before, when she planned to tell Sonic that she'd loved him...it was too late. He was gone, and no memory would ever bring him back.
She stood. Tails had defeated Robotnik for the second time, and abandoned his Tornado 2 temporarily.
H Hog (Tornado 2): SO LONELY
"We've got to get out of here!" Tails warned Amy, who had quit crying.
"How are we going to do that?" Amy demanded to know. "Your stupid machine is dead, and so is Sonic!"
Leo: She must be at the "anger" stage of grief.
"I have a suspicion that he isn't," a surprisingly gentle voice broke through. Amy and Tails turned at the same
moment. It was Knuckles! He hugged them, and Rouge appeared, hanging upside down.
"Hey, kids! Let's scoot outta here! What do you say?" She grabbed Tails and hauled him up to
the rafters. He blushed, grumbling:
"I can fly, you know!"
H Hog: You wouldn't know it, he's been in his mech most of the time.
"No time for it!" Knuckles grunted as he let Amy ride him
Leo: Oh god! OH GOD!
piggyback. He rushed off, and Amy closed her eyes.
"Is Sonic really alive?" she wondered dreamily, thinking of cutting her wedding cake with him.
Leo: While you're riding Knuckles? The nerve.
"I just told you, he is!" Knuckles snapped impatiently.
Gold: Oh my god, Knuckles has ESP!
"He really is some Hedgehog!" Amy slipped into a blissful sleep.
"Yeah, whatever. Like I don't do cool stuff...! I mean, the guy can't swim, he can't glide, and he certainly
can't punch for beans..."
Leo: Not after you spilled them. You thought we'd forgotten, didn't you?
Shadow had finally caught up with Sonic, his red eyes glowering in hate.
"How did you survive that crash?" he mused.
H Hog: (Sonic) 'Cause I'm the star and you're not.
"You must be one extraordinary Hedgehog-"
"Well, I'm just a guy who loves adventure!" Sonic finished. "I'm Sonic the Hedgehog!"
H Hog: I still don't understand why he refers to himself as "Sonic the Hedgehog"
Leo: I'm Leo the Human.
"Humph! I'm sorry to say, Sonic, that you last adventure is coming to a swift end!" Shadow revved
up his boosters to maximum speed. Sonic caught up, grinning.
"Who told you it was over?" Sonic cried as he dodged Shadow's flame somersault. Shadow fell over
the edge. Sonic kept on going, rushing toward the Eclipse Cannon...when he heard Shadow cry,
"So, you like to taunt, eh, Sonic?"
Smindas: (Sonic) Neener neener neener.
Shadow grunted as he slammed into Sonic's chest hard. Sonic fell back, his power rings fading. "Well, how would you like it if I told you that Amy is mine?"
H Hog: (Sonic) Whew. I'm finally free!
"What!" Sonic bounded back up and spin dashed, which Shadow nimbly avoided. "Amy is my
friend! How could she like you, much less know who-or what- you are?"
"Ah, but she does!" Shadow managed before Sonic face planted him with his light shoes.
They punched and wrestled, both sweating
Leo: Uh-oh, looks like this is turning into a yaoi fic.
H Hog: MAN THE LIFEBOATS!
and bleeding all over the place.
Leo: A KINKY Yaoi fic.
H Hog: Abandon Ship! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, ABANDON SHIP!
Someone had to die, they realized.
Leo: This is not happening! This is NOT happening!
Suddenly, they paused. A rumble shook the platform. Meteors imploded.
Smindas: Well I guess that makes se- whaaa?
The Eclipse Cannon!!! They glared at each other, and ran, full speed, back to the ARK, terrified.
"Why won't it fire?!" sulked Robotnik.
Gold: (Robotnik) Today I am not a man.
He pounded his fists on the Eclipse Cannon's mechanizing system.
Leo: (Robotnik) Ayyyyyy.
Amy, Tails, Knuckles and Rouge were wondering the same
as Sonic and Shadow came rushing in. Shadow scooted off to the control room,
Smindas: Shadow the dog.
Gold: As long as he doesn't start slobbering over anyone's crotch...
his head spinning. Gerald's creation had failed, just as Maria had said!
Shadow paused. He froze as an eerily familiar voice droned to him. He fell to the floor,
wincing and covering his ears. It was Gerald! The maniac had recorded his diary,
and now it was being read aloud!
Gold: (Rouge) April 1st, 2001. I switched Shadow's food pellets with shock pellets.
He looked at me angrily. Why doesn't he like me? =(
Oh my god, Jenny is soooo hot.
April 2nd, 2001...
"I don't know what happened, or what went wrong that day," Rouge began. Gerald took over, his hideous, thin frame chained to a chair, covered in red light. Shadow knew.
He shook his head. He convulsed and sobbed,
H Hog: With a disturbing mental image like that lingering in my mind, so would I.
tearing up the metallic plating on the floor.
Gold: (Knuckles) ORA ORA ORA!
Suddenly, memory upon memory came to him. He felt hundreds of years old as they flashed before him.
Leo: I feel like I've been reading this for a hundred years.
The first, vivid yet intangible, was Sonic's mother. His mother was Sonic's- they were of the same blood, but had hence been split away...another memory.
Smindas: You know, let's just take his word on this. It sounds totally believable.
Maria, young and lovely, waiting for him underneath the cherry tree as preschool let out.
Smindas: Yes! Yes, it's all true! I believe you, Tailslover2001!
H Hog: I think you've been in here a little too long.
Then, more flew past- his first trip to the ARK, his taunting of Gerald, his encounters with the phantom Maria in the abandoned prison cell after he fell to Earth, his sight of Amy, his fight with his only sibling...
Leo: Oh no, it's a clip show! We're doing the entire story over again!
All but Leo: NOOOO!
Silence fell. He stood, staring glumly out the window. "It's all so clear to me now,"
Shadow mumbled. "I cannot help them. I am doomed to die here, on this ARK..."
Smindas: Shadow's that guy at the party that just sits around reading gloomy poetry while everyone rushes for the nearest exit.
Amy came in, moping and grumbling. Yet again, she was left alone by Sonic and his crew, out to save the world while she waited for his return. She straightened, only too aware of her karma. "I've got to stop whining!" she resolved aloud.
"Everyone is trying their best to help, and so must I!"
Shadow let out a deep sigh. Amy gasped, and hid, tentative. Why had he left when Gerald appeared on the screen? Were those his screams, wrenching years of pain from him to her and her friends? He turned, and saw her coming. A faint smile rose and fell upon his lips. Another sigh escaped him.
H Hog: (Shadow) DAMMIT! I was trying to keep that one!
"Shadow!" Amy bowed politely. He grunted, and continued pondering his purpose. "Shadow, please! We need you!" Amy began.
"Need me?" he huffed sourly. "What for? Your plan is going fine, just fine, without me."
Leo: (Shadow) NOBODY LOVES ME!!!
"No!" Amy cried, determined. "We do need you, Shadow! It's not for you, or me, or Sonic...this mission is for them! For..." her voice changed, in Shadow's mind, to Maria's,
Leo: Oh man, he is totally tripping.
"...those people...who live down there, on that planet! Shadow, you must protect them! You must help them! Go, Shadow!"
Smindas: (Maria) Sic 'em, boy!
Shadow turned to face her. He seemed a suddenly gentle, loving creature to Amy, one she had never noticed before. No longer did his eyes burn with malice, but with justice,
Gold: He needs Clear Eyes badly.
with longing for adventure...he beamed, and planted a tender kiss on her little lips. "Sweet, sweet little girl," he whispered. "The pure hearted one...I must keep my promise to Maria...and you..." With another kiss and a sudden release, Shadow ran off, his boosters ablaze.
Gold: Oh right, his boosters.
Leo: Oh, Gold, no...
Gold: His rocket boosters.
Leo: NO, GOLD!
Amy gasped, feeling faint.
Gold: Because he released-
"That thing kisses me more than Sonic in my wildest dreams!" she thought. "What is he, this Shadow...?"
H Hog: That he is, that Shadow.
Sonic was racing beside Knuckles now, his heart pounding in fear. He remembered how Knuckles was his enemy so long ago, how easy it was for him to be fooled by the bloated then-tyrant, Ivo Robotnik.
Smindas: He has since turned into a now-good guy and collects many past-antiques.
But then, too, he remembered how Knuckles risked his neck with the Brotherhood
H Hog: Oh, come on!
Gold: The universes are colliding together...Sonia and Manic are going to show up!
to save his life...and now, this time, it was up to Knuckles, Guardian of the Chaos, to find out just what had gone wrong
Leo: (Knuckles) I figured it out. Something has definitely gone wrong.
A loud roar interrupted Sonic's reverie. Sonic and Knuckles had screeched to a halt. A terrible, saurian-ish beast had stopped them, rearing its neck and letting its jaws fall agape.
Leo: Oh man, don't tell me it fell for that old pin-up gag.
"What in the hell is that?!" Knuckles cried, bunching up his fists.
Smindas: (Child) He said it again! He's in troublllle...
"I don't know, but it certainly isn't a gentle giant!" Sonic scowled up at it as it licked its tooth filled maws.
Gold: (Saurian-ish beast) I ate some taffy and it won't come off!
"Let me take care of this one," came a voice. It was Shadow!
"Be my guest," Knuckles bowed sarcastically.
Sonic watched as Shadow advanced fearlessly.
"Go on ahead, Sonic!" Shadow cried. "I'll take care of this while you two try and grab the Chaos Emeralds!" Sonic nodded, and Knuckles leaped up, gliding away.
"Well," Knuckles began when they were out of range, "he's an idiot."
All: We agree.
"A brave soul," Sonic agreed. They hurried to the control room.
Shadow raced along, feeling suddenly weak. His breath came in gasps, and he leaped onto the creature's weak spot with less agility than before. He dodged the being's energy attacks, and suddenly fell, unable to move. The creature drooled, drops of saliva splattering onto his neck and spines.
Leo: Aww...he likes you!
Its mouth edged closer...Shadow could feel its heat, and closed his eyes.
Something yanked him out of the way just in time. "Who-?" Shadow mumbled. The spirit of Maria smiled, then vanished. Resolve hardened within him. He had to kill this thing before it would kill them all!
Shadow leaped up and hit the being's weak spot with all he had. It reared up, anger mingling with agony.
Gold: (Anger) So it turns out that the butler had been dead for several weeks!
Smindas: (Agony) Hahahaha! Oh, you are the star of this party.
Shadow smiled, feeling accomplished...when the thing vanished so quickly that he had to not blink in order to see it!
Leo: Or as some people say, he had to "keep his eyes open."
"What the-?" Shadow realized then, to his utter horror, what that thing had just done: Chaos Control!!! He raced to the Master Emerald, lost and disoriented yet clear with his new mission.
Amy saw Sonic coming, and tears sprang to her eyes.
Gold: When is she NOT crying?
Knuckles, fortunately, had decided to leave when prompted to find the Emeralds and go to the shrine of the Master Emerald.
"Why can't I come? The twerp will just complain, you know."
"Knux, Amy...well, we need to talk..." Sonic became unnaturally bashful.
Leo: Oh no, Sonic's going to give them "The Talk!"
"You see, she's been wanting to talk, and..."
Knuckles hummed the Wedding March with a mischievous grin upon his face.
"Cut it out!" he barked, turning pink.
Smindas: Which one is the REAL Amy?
"I'll leave you two lovebirds alone, then..." Knuckles sighed.
"She is not my...my..."
Gold: (Sonic) lover. She's just a girl who thinks that I am the one.
"She is too your girlfriend!!" Knuckles cornered him. "Look, you wanted to save her! You do care for her; even I know that!! You have ever since Robo-butt
Gold: (Robotnik) *sobs*
threatened to do her in when she was eight!
Gold: MORE LOLI PLZ
H Hog: Does this still have anything to do with the bondage?
Smindas: Do her IN. There's a subtle difference.
H Hog: VERY subtle.
Unless you'd rather have Tails..."
Leo: And suddenly it takes another turn for the Yaoi.
H Hog: FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS GOOD AND HOLY, -WHY- WON'T YOU ABANDON SHIP?"
"Tails has other plans," Sonic hinted. Tails had the hots for Fiona for a long time running,
Smindas: Who is Fiona?
H Hog: Sometimes it's better not to question, and just accept.
and Sonic thought a get-together of his own devising would be perfect to mark such an occasion...
"Yeah, whatever," Knuckles smirked. "My passion is for the one and only Rou-I mean, Emeralds!!"
Leo: Smooth, Knuckles.
He rushed off before Sonic could question his unfinished "Rou..."
Sonic entered the control room alone. Alone! At last! Amy blushed, her eyes all glittery and her hands clasped under her chin.
Leo: (Amy) AHHHH! MY EYES! OH MY GOD! IT BURNS SO MUCH!
She couldn't say anything just yet...she wanted Sonic, for once, to make the first move. And, to her shock, he did.
"Hey Amy," he grinned. He came up to her, just close enough so that he could see the wetness on her lashes. "How's my number one fan?"
"Oh, Sonic!" she muttered. "I can't possibly be the only number one fan for you! I mean, you do
have a cartoon show, and a comic book series, and Spaghetti O's..."
Gold: Product placement. Brought to you by Pringles!
"Yeah," Sonic smiled. Spaghetti O's sounded too delicious right now...even though he hated them...
"...and a brand of shampoo and soap..."
Gold: Pringles! Once you pop, the fun don't stop.
"...and a Happy Meal toy set from McDonald's..."
Gold: Try our new Pizzaria flavor!
"...and stuffed toys and action figures, and even costumes for Halloween!"
Gold: You'll agree, it's pizzalicious. Pringles! Slam a stack of goodness.
"Amy, I..." Sonic interrupted. He paused. She was almost touching noses with him now, all scarlet faced and breathing hard.
"Oh, Sonic!" she whispered so softly. "Oh, Sonic...I have the most wonderful thing in the world to tell you..."
H Hog: (Amy) There's a sale on carpeting at George's Carpet Outlet!
Leo: (Sonic) Oh my GOD!
"I love you," Sonic finished for her. Amy blinked, taken unawares.
"Did I mention unmentionables and pinball games?" Amy squeaked, the lust from her voice hard to regain.
Gold: P.S. Pringles.
"Did I mention that I love you?" Sonic mumbled, his head spinning as though he'd just completed a loop de loop. "I love you, little Amy," Sonic breathed, his face ruddy. He kissed her passionately, and Amy literally felt the world beneath her feet slip away.
Gold: She died several seconds later.
Amy felt her heart flutter. No longer would she flirt and not get a response! He- Sonic- would flirt back, would embrace her and cuddle her...she squealed in joy, and smothered him. "Oh, Sonic! We can get married, and I can wear my gown, and you can carry me to our-"
Knuckles entered. He stood there, transfixed, his eyes dilated. "Whoa."
Smindas: (Knuckles) Dudes, I can taste the universe...and it's grape.
Sonic was holding Amy in a passionate embrace, his face red, hers hidden in her mussed up pink hair. "Look, I-!" Sonic began. He quietly let Amy take her place.
Leo: (Sonic) Back to the kitchen with you, Amy!
"That's more than what I ever wanted to see," Knuckles simply snorted.
Smindas: (Knuckles) This is some good st- WHOA! Sonic...your lemons are showing!
"Come on, Sonic. Amy- fix up, and go with Tails- he needs your help..."
"But I need you!" Amy grasped Sonic's hand tightly. Sonic winked at her, then pretended to complain.
Smindas: We, however, are not pretending.
"Amy!" Sonic groaned. He squeezed her hand before letting it go. Suddenly, the ground began to shake. Amy gasped.
"It's starting," Knuckles frowned as the tremors grew more violent.
Gold: Oh no, the fanfic is JUST starting?
H Hog: Don't even joke about that.
Sonic and Knuckles ran at full speed to the Shrine. Professor Gerald's voice rang out:
"...all of you ungrateful humans, who took everything away from me...will feel my loss and despair..."
Leo: Typical Live Journal user.
H Hog: Hey!
Leo: Don't flatter yourself, you're anything but typical.
They kept running, and stopped when they saw Shadow. He was out of breath, and weakened. The ground shook again, and they watched the Biolizard vanish in a beam of light.
Smindas: Yay, it's over!
H Hog: Not quite.
"Is that what Chaos Control is...?" Shadow wondered aloud as he fell.
"If I've stopped the creature, then why is the colony still on a crash course to Earth?" Knuckles wondered after reciting his incantation. The ground shook again, and he fell.
As Knuckles got up, Robotnik's voice answered:
H Hog: (Robotnik) I...want...MY...PIE!
"We've only got ten minutes before the colony impacts the Earth! It seems as if the creature is dragging the colony, and it's up to you, Sonic and Shadow, to stop it!"
Sonic nodded, resolute. Shadow returned the gesture, unclear. Knuckles stared, dumbfounded.
H Hog: H Hog slept, bored.
Smindas: Smindas threw trash at the screen, angry.
But Sonic didn't answer. He cried instead, "Emeralds of Chaos, Seven of Power, surround me with wisdom and give me your might!" The Emeralds floated in a half circle. Shadow stepped forward, confused. The other half joined to form a whole, and they began to spin.
H Hog: Still, this is better than Sonic_Fan.
Leo: You think?
The Emeralds became a blur of light, an influx of colors.
Smindas: (Knuckles) Whoa, man! The colors! The colorrrs!
Sonic felt the sensation of being drained, then, in milliseconds, his blue coloration melted away to become a golden ellow, the brightest yellow Shadow had ever seen.
Leo: Sonic was a being of PURE YELLOW.
Shadow watched his brother's spines bend upward, watched his eyes turn a fierce red. And then, Shadow noticed his dull black skin melting,
Gold: (Shadow) AHHHHHHHHHHH!
turning into a pearly silver.
Gold: (Shadow) Phew.
He felt young and fresh, vivacious and restless, much more than he had ever felt in his entire life.
To Shadow, it was the greatest feeling he had ever had.
Smindas: Then again, Shadow lived a pretty boring life.
Sonic felt the power and took it like he'd used it every day. He rushed to the being, the Earth now close to his body. Shadow noticed a large group of Rings hanging about a meteor herd. Without prompting, Shadow grabbed one.
H Hog: (Ring) I say, put me down this instant!
He felt more power,
Leo: He...has...the powerrrrrrrrr!
and grabbed some more. Sonic had found the beast's weak spot, and hit it. He limped over to Shadow, weak.
Leo: All this action...it's like I'm really there!
"Your turn," was all he said. Shadow hovered over to the monster. He dodged its lasers, feeling suddenly drained at each movement. He hit the weak spot, and watched Sonic take his turn. He knew now what was going on: the Rings gave one power, but only as much as the other could provide.
H Hog: Please don't try to explain video game logic.
They had no choice but to work together, and, as Shadow hit the monster yet again, the pus filled red flesh zooming up to his face,
Gold: Really, REALLY heavy strength Acutane.
he felt trust, and love, as he never had before.
The being collapsed, severely weakened. Shadow paused, breathing hard. Sonic tugged him over to the ARK, which was now gaining speed as it fell.
"No way that's getting through!" Sonic cried. He held up his hand, waiting.
Leo: Apparently asking the ARK to "please stop" wasn't working.
H Hog: (Sonic) Faker!
feeling a surge of strength from within him. He pushed harder, the weight becoming more heavy.
"Shadow!" a voice from Shadow's memory startled him.
Smindas: It was...Mall Santa!
Gold: (Mall Santa) Why hello there little hedgehog!
Smindas: (Young Shadow) *bawls*
"Maria!" he gasped.
"Give them a chance...to be happy...to live out their dreams..."
Leo: Give them a chance to win A NEW CAR!
"Now, Shadow!" Sonic boomed. Shadow shut his eyes.
"Chaos Control!" they cried, in perfect unison.
Leo: (singing) Big boys don't cry...
Amy watched the world freeze.
Leo: On the plus side, those global warming folks were way off
She saw Knuckles's faint blush rise and just stop, saw Tails's tails
Smindas: Trying saying THAT five times fast.
freeze while they spun. Rouge was half way into a blink, and Robotnik was frozen in a lurid stare. Then, the tremors ceased. The heat was still close, but they had done it. Sonic had done it! He was the world's savior!...
H Hog: Oh, the fanfic must be ending soon!
Smindas: Good, this is getting awful.
Shadow let go. His silvery coloration faded back to his dull black color. He was falling, he knew, but didn't want to stop it.
H Hog: (Shadow) FALLING IN MY SKIIIIIIIIN....
He felt the dreadful heat gnaw at his skin, tearing mercilessly at his flesh.
H Hog: Oh, falling out of his skin.
He saw blood rush from his nose to his white furry chest, staining it crimson.
H Hog: I wish I were him right now.
He was dying, maybe even dead, and he didn't care.
Leo: He's too cool for school.
"Maria..." he whispered. He saw her clearly, floating gently beside, holding his naked hand.
Smindas: Oh, now that's just obscene.
"This is what you wanted, right?" She nodded, smiling, and he murmured, "This is my promise...I made...to...you..."
He landed in the ocean, his burns eating his raw flesh into sinew, his face torn and bloody. He opened his glazed eyes, and choked. He shot up, gasping for air, a ragged skeleton of a Hedgehog, but still alive. He was still alive!
H Hog: Oh, sure he is.
Shadow watched, to his horror, as his skin grew back, as his nose healed and body returned to normal. He was wholly healed, and in the middle of the ocean, and, more importantly, alive. Alive.
H Hog: A-FREAKING-LIVE!
Sonic returned to the ARK, and Amy rushed into his arms. He felt her warm little lips on his, and deepened the kiss. She blushed. Sonic smiled, also pink. He released her, and she chased after him, her heart soaring.
Leo: Little did she know she was having a heart attack.
"Marry me, Sonic!" she begged. But Sonic only smiled. He then, in a saddened sigh, breathed to her:
"Shadow is dead."
Gold: (Amy) Is that a no?
"Huh?" Amy stopped. She felt tears come to her eyes, emotions swirling. She recalled Shadow's sudden passionate flair, and felt the same from Sonic- only that Sonic was different...he wasn't so...forceful, so rough...
Gold: Sonic was a puss and Amy came to hate that.
"Let me go and spread the word," Sonic sighed.
Gold: (Amy) Was that a euphemism for something?
He told everyone, and Amy stared glumly out the same window where Shadow had stood only moments before. Sonic put his arm around her thin waist, and she longed to kiss him, but paused.
Smindas: Quick, go down to "Quit" and press A!
"Sonic," she muttered. Then, "What's the matter?" as tears came to his eyes. He didn't let them
fall, and resumed his usual grin.
Gold: (Sonic) I was just thinking of all the bad fanfiction this is going to spawn, but I'll be okay.
"Oh, it's nothing," he cried cheerfully. "Come on! Let's go home- to the planet as cool and blue as me!"
Amy began to run off, then turned around.
Smindas: (Sonic) I will not buy you a time-share, stop asking.
"Get going, Amy!" he told her. He winked.
She ran off, blushing. Sonic stood in the doorway of the control room, and sighed, looking around one last time.
All: (singing) Memories...
"Sayonara, Shadow the Hedgehog," he bowed. He left.
H Hog: Sayonara, Sonic merchandise.
Leo: Sayonara, awkwardly phrased narration.
Smindas: Sayonara, obviously inserted backstory.
Gold: And sayonara, fanfic.
(MSTers get up, preparing to leave)
H Hog: Please?
(The 4 leave)
5. Tent flap zips up
4. Sliding bars retract
3. Steel enforced door opens
2. Laser Barrier becomes passable
1. Wall of fire dies down
[Back on the bridge...]
H Hog: So guys, what did you think of the-
Leo: Can we just get this over with? This is embarrassing.
H Hog: Oh, okay. So, taking from the fanfic, we've all written crappy plot summaries of video games in narrative form. I
did mine on the first Mario game. Let me look at this...*flips through pages* "Mario had entered world 2-2, an underwater
city inhabited by sentient fish and several mutated pink squids. Mario attempted to act diplomatically and befriend the
denizens, but they would have none of his unfeeling sentiments. They attacked Mario with lightning speed, so Mario had to swim, and fast! He swam...and he swam...and he swam! Oh, the current almost got him and the fish were closing in fast but he picked up the pace! He knew what he had to do! He swam...and he swam...and he swam. Then he got out of the water. He looked around and saw that night had come. It was over. He had won."
Leo: Wow. A-. Erm, I wrote a summary on Pong.
Leo: You heard me, Matavi. Let's...oh, right here. "Paul and Perry had been friends for what seemed like forever, but a friendship is a fragile thing, and one slip up can bring the entire relationship crashing down. Paul had stolen Perry's woman. 'You cad!' said Perry. 'How dare thee bequeath mine lady?' He fired a cannonball at Paul, but Paul was quick! He held up a magical shield and deflected the ball right at him, but Perry had a shield too! For days they reflected, neither wanting
to admit the other one was right. Back and forth...back and forth...back and forth. *flips to next page* Back and forth...
H Hog: Okay, B.
Leo: Back and forth...
H Hog: That's enough, thanks.
Leo: I'm not done-
H Hog: Smindas, your turn.
Smindas: I didn't write one.
H Hog: What?!
Smindas: This is stupid!
H Hog: Just make something up!
Smindas: Okay. Super Monkey Ball..."Once there was a monkey who lived in a ball and he fell off a cliff a lot. He died. The End."
H Hog: Fine. C-. Gold?
Gold: *writing down something* Just a minute...
H Hog: Gold?
Gold: Hold on...
H Hog: Pencils down!
Gold: Buwha? Oh, right. "My name is Gold. I live on a house by the street. Sometimes cars pass by, but I don't care. I have
two parents. They are good parents. I drew a picture of the parents. I hope you like it. I am six years old. I have brown hair and also Bubsy the Bobcat is a good game. It is a game about a bobcat-"
H Hog: Wait a minute...
Gold: "who has a t-shirt that-"
H Hog: Please don't tell me you tried to pass off something you wrote in 1st grade.
Gold: 2nd. 2nd grade.
H Hog: You fail. You fail badly. You weren't even writing, were you?
Gold: Oh man...you just don't understand me!! *cries, walks away*
H Hog: Aw come on, don't...ahh. This didn't go very well. Gold, come back!
Robotnik: Awful. Just awful. I'm stopping this now before it gets worse. Until next time, H Hog...watch your back. I have an atomic doom cannon.
(He resumes reading "Winnie the Pooh")
Robotnik: Push the button, Bocoe!
Bocoe: Okay sir! *pushes button*
| PRESS YOUR |
| OWN |
| DAMN BUTTON!! |
Cast of characters:
H Hog: R. Ophuizen
Leo: B. Hennessy
Smindas: Sam K.
Neo (Who wasn't in this): C. Giese
Mystery Sonic Theater 3K originally created by Neil Lafrenais, adapted by H Hog.
This Episode's Stinger:
|"I-I don't know..." Amy began. She was on the edge, and was |
|about to slip, when Shadow intervened and caught her, then |
|set her down in a corner of the place. |
Copyright 2004, 2005 Coldflame productions